Today I woke up with a worried feeling as if it's doom's day. But I quickly doused that feeling away. I think that in order for me to survive this kind of relationship, I should not allow myself even the slightest feeling of sadness or loneliness. I do not want to nurture that kind of feeling because weakness spirals from there. And I do not want to leave room for weakness because I promised him I'll be strong. And I'm set to hold that promise no matter what.

My boyfriend left for Netherlands today at 10am. He'll be gone for six months working in a cargo ship. I have been preparing myself for this day ever since I said yes to him two months ago. Yes, we've only been together for two months and I'll be waiting for him for six months. At the start I thought one or two months together with someone will never be enough to last me six months of waiting. But being with him for two months has made me realize that love doesn't always require a lot of time for it to grow. As long as you make the most out of the short time you have, love can bloom.

I didn't think I'll ever meet a guy like him. I feel blessed that he came into my life. Our love story may not seem like a fairy tale. Our relationship might be trying most of the time. But I know in my heart, he's worth all of the hardships and sacrifices.

I promised him I'll wait for him. I promised him I'll be loyal. I promised him I'll be okay. I promised him I won't give up on him.

Six months seem like forever. I know it won't be easy at all. And I know that it will always be like this between us. To be honest I don't know how I'll fare. At times it scares me. But I know I'll do my best to remain strong... because I love him.

Today I start living those promises.

Here we go...

Ask me why I like you.
And I'll tell you, It's because:
You make me smile
I can trust you
Despite your claim to a lack of sense of humor, you manage to make me laugh
I believe in you
You're absolutely sweet and thoughtful
You always try to do what's right
Despite all discouragements, you still dared to love me
You're responsible
You put others first before yourself
And simply because you never cease to amaze me.

Now ask me why I love you.
...

And you'll find me with no answer.

I think love needs no reason because when u lose the reason, u risk losing the love. Love is more than a feeling. It's a decision one makes --A decision I have made.

I can offer u no explanation why I love u. All I have is a promise that I do.

And
I
really,
really
do.

Ü

"I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations
I am a soul that lives within
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend?
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity?
That don't take a bit away
From the soul that I got."

Ofcourse I want my man to think that I'm the most beautiful girl in the whole world. But I don't want him to love me for that reason. Beauty fades. Tastes change. And there will ALWAYS be prettier girls than me. I don't want to have to compete with that.

All I want is a guy who will be able to see that "magic" in me... And thus love and accept me for who I REALLY AM and not because I fit his standards of physical beauty...

It's Saturday and I'm stuck at home.
Argh.
This is sooo not how I want it.
Paranoia's setting in again.
Sigh...

Here I am, once again, back in this roller coaster ride. I hoped but I didn't think I'd ever get my turn. To be honest, I'm absolutely scared to fall off again. But I've avoided it long enough. This time, I'm willing to take the risk.

Here I am on my own roller coaster ride.

And I'm flying.

*****
"Love has no rules. It happens when we least expect it, often when we don't want it, many times when we can't handle it. It often times scares you, surprises you, shakes you down to your very core... Love is a force of nature."

“THE GUNFIRE AROUND us makes it hard to hear. But the human voice is different from other sounds. It can be heard over noises that bury everything else. Even when it's not shouting. Even when it's just a whisper. Even the lowest whisper can be heard - -over armies... when it's telling the truth.” –The Interpreter

 We’re all submerged in the same reality. Everyday there’s violence, injustice, exploitation, poverty, destruction of mother earth, subhuman living conditions, violation of human rights, etc. The brave ones face it. They dedicate their lives trying to change it. While the rest of us live comfortably in our own worlds, oblivious to this hideous reality that has been knocking on our doors.

Education has once opened my eyes to see their faces and to hear their voices. I was once challenged to reach my highest human potentials. I was taught to care for my brothers and sisters; and to love even those who seem unworthy. The responsibility was laid on my hands. It is I, and only I, who can help these faces in their helplessness. I came into the real world armed with such strong ideals and principles. I had a mission, a calling. And yet as time passed by, I quickly forgot my lessons. I have slowly closed my eyes to these faces. Once again I’ve shut them out of my world. I’m back in my cocoon, living contentedly, and safe from this ruthless reality. I only have Keissia* to remind me of the person I want to become.

I have three goals in my life:

1. To have a business and provide jobs.

2. To give to charity.

3. To build a strong, stable, God-centered and loving family.

I’m writing them down so I don’t forget. When you’re out in the real world, it’s so easy to lose sight of your direction. I don’t want to live so aimlessly in this world. I want my life to have meaning. Gusto kong mag-meron.**

--------------------------

*Keissia O. Tolentino – my World Vision sponsored child
**ISANG TAONG NAGMEMERON: isang nilalang na tinatahak ang landas ng tunay na pagpapkatao bilang isang infini na walang hanggang tumutugon sa tawag ng libo-libong mukha na kanyang nakakasalimuha at siya ring kinabibilangan.

"What is REAL?", asked the Rabbit one day when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become REAL..."

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most oy your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to those who don't understand."

~Margery Williams

You know why I love Joan Girardi so much? Because she's me. Joan is an average girl. She's not the smartest, she's not the most beautiful, and she doesn't even have her own "thing" --that one thing she's good at. You know what makes it worse? She's surrounded by all these gifted people. Her big brother is a sports jock turned magazine writer, her younger brother is a science wiz, her boyfriend is a very talented artist, her boyfriend's ex is an amazing photographer, and her friend Grace has this Emily-Dickinson-crazy-talent at poetry. Joan? Well, she just seems to be failing at everything.

I miss school so much because back when I was still studying, I always felt special. I was top 1 when I was in kindergraten. When I was in gradeschool, my art projects were always placed on exhibits. I was officer and peacemaker material. And I was one of the few chosen to join the arts club. When I was in highschool, I took drums lessons outside of school and my teacher always told me that I was his favorite. He'd teach me advance lessons and he's always dumbstruck at how fast I learn. When I was in college, I managed to graduate while half of my batch was either kicked-out or shifted-out of our course. And I also managed to be a first honor dean's lister even just once. ( Hey, I had a tough school, ok?) My mom used to call me her achiever. And I felt so proud of myself.

But now, all that has just become the past. After I graduated, amidst all my dreams and plans in life, I turned out... as me. Just your regular girl who's trying so hard to find her own place in the sun --but seems to fail at it, a lot.

You know what God said to Joan?

"Everyone wants to feel special... Who you are is enough, Joan. You already have your thing. You're a searcher. You try and you fail... and you try again... Stop hiding who you are. "

And you know something else? Even though the world is filled with "special" people, God chose Joan, the regular average girl.

Cool.

SEWER WALKING (Written by Grace)

You and me,
we used to talk
Like a river underground,
the sewer where we used to walk.
The hole at the end
empties out to the pier
Where paperboats disappear
Me, I try to send this note,
Float it like a paper boat,
But paper sinks and words are weak.
I try but I don't speak
Join together in the silent snow
Turn our faces up to see
Not endless night,
but day
A pier,
And you and me,
talking…

I love Joan of Arcadia, the TV series. It's about this teenage girl who sees and talks to God in her everyday life. God sends her to do wierd missions like jump rope, take piano lessons, get advanced chemistry class, try out for cheerleading, etc. She's usually clueless about God's purpose but in the end everything always makes sense. I love this show because amidst the kind of lifestyle we live today where God and reality seems to be separated, it reminds me that God is constantly and actively working in my everyday life.

Here are my favorite quotes from the series:

God: Let me explain something to you Joan. It goes like this: I don't look like this. I don't look like anything you'd recognize. You can't see me. I don't sound like this. I don't sound like anything you'd recognize. You see, I'm beyond your experience. I take this form because you're comfortable with it, it makes sense to you. And if I'm "snippy" it's because you understand snippy. Do ya get it?
Joan: Sort of.
God: Good, cause I'm really not snippy. I've got a great personality. You'd like me.

God: I'm not appearing to you. You are seeing me.

God: Newsflash Joan, you don't need to let me in on your thinking process, I'm omniscient.

God: Stop underachieving. Stop squandering the potential I gave you. Have some pride.
Joan: What about humility?
God: Humility isn't actually humility unless there's something you're good enough at to be humble about.

Joan: So what do you want me to fail at this time?
God: Now what makes you think you failed? You did exactly what I asked you to do - you observed.
Joan: Hmm! And what good did that do anybody? Ramsey's going to jail, Adam hates me even more...
God: Observation is a more powerful force than you could possibly reckon. The invisible, the overlooked, and the unobserved are the most in danger of reaching the end of the spectrum. They lose the last of their light. From there, anything can happen.
Joah: [sighs] Okay. Fine, I observe Ramsey, his life is still ruined.
God: His life wasn't the only one at stake.
Joan: What do you mean?
God: Starts pointing out different students in the hallway] There's Laura Eason, ninth grader. She plays the flute. She would have been one of the first to go,
[gunshot sound]
God: coming out of Orchestra at the wrong time. And Andrew Bayer - he would have tried to save his friend Lawrence DiStasi and lost his life
[two gunshots]
God: And Gavin Price,
[gunshot]
God: and three other students in the cafeteria. And Mr. Harvey. And Ms. Schmidt in the library. And finally, Steve Ramsey himself. And for each of these faces Joan, there are twelve more whose lives would have come to an end today - lives altered forever by you. By the simple effect of being present, by entering the light, by joining the dance.

Joan: Let's see a miracle.
Cute Boy God: How about that?
Joan: It's a tree.
Cute Boy God: Let's see you make one.

"Thinking you're the worst person in the world is not better than thinking you're the best.  It's giving yourself a place in the universe you haven't earned."

Geeky Hall Monitor God: People don't really belong to each other, they choose each other every day."

Little Girl God: Real love is hard work.  You have to decide if you want a real story or if you want to stay in the dream.